Aug

20

Deliberately

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I am driving to Baltimore early Saturday morning with a small number of paintings for the gallery that carries my work. It is the first new work I will show in almost three years and I am a little amazed when I think about that directly. Three years ago painting consumed a significant amount of my time and creative energy, and then it didn’t.

 

After several months of gradual progress, I have started producing work again. It is good to be painting again, but I am very clear that things are different now. For instance, I am quite aware that I could stop working completely and live out my days without producing another painting. I also have a feeling that I previously was too absorbed with the idea of being an artist and not absorbed enough with the idea of producing work that I feel strongly about.

 

I am painting again because I am already feeling that connection I have only found through creative exploration. But that connection is tempered with an awareness that I need to make work that matters to me. I look around the studio at paintings I produced five or six years ago and stunned by how simplistic and dead they feel to me now. I know why they felt finished and worthwhile at the time, but I know also that the work I produce now needs to be richer, more complex and more realized. This realization could only come from my extended absence from painting. I will most likely produce fewer pieces overall in the future and almost certainly will work much more deliberately. I have a better sense of what I am after in my paintings now and I sense that I will recognize it better if I am moving slowly.

Aug

14

Framework

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I was recently approached by a friend who is showing work at a commercial establishment in town. The people were looking for other artists and she thought I might be interested. The space is large and is supposed to be very nice, yet my first response was ambivalence.

 

I have been at something of an impasse with painting lately and have been increasingly aware of my resistance to confronting my ambivalence. In fact, it’s hard for me to tell where one ends and the other begins. Though I am very clear that my output dried up and that I was creatively derailed after my show in New York City, the weeks after I returned from New York are dim memories.

 

I know I became depressed, but I remember it as a rather intense collapse. I had been pushing myself for weeks to finish the renovations on my house while preparing for the show. I was stretched tight and I knew I was not in a good place. I figured some down time and a slower pace would help me right myself. I was wrong. I wasn’t actually wrong, but my ideas about a gentle recovery were overtaken by events.

 

 I did not sell any work from the show and I was not feeling very good about that. I understood that I was still pretty hung over mentally and I keep reminding myself that other opportunities would present themselves. Shortly before I was to return to New York and pick up my work I received a phone call that added to my distress. It was another gallery that represented me and they informed me they were cancelling my show and offering the slot to other artists. It was purely a business decision. That assurance was offered more than once. The gallery representative mentioned how long it had been since they had sold a painting. I responded that I understood completely and then told them to have a great day. Now, when I tell you that I understand something completely and then wish you a nice day, I am actually saying “go fuck yourself and please die soon.” I am just too stunned or dumbfounded to be angry just yet. So, I went off to New York, collected my work and the returned to my home and then slipped into darkness.

 

That was a little over two and half years ago. It has taken a long time to get where I wanted to work again. I am still not clear if I will pursue my artwork as a form of livelihood, and I not really interested in the question. I am feeling like making things again, however. Last summer I started putting the studio in order. I built a large work table and installed additional shelving. I painted the floors. I know enough to realize that new growth occurs most naturally in a clearing. It wasn’t until early this spring that I actually went into the studio and tried to work. I had to create new panels and reorganize everything. I also knew enough to go slowly. I have tried to paint when I want to and have resisted pressuring myself to work just to be working. This has meant that I have not worked a great deal. This is something else to leave as it is.

 

 A few years ago, Greg and I were talking about what we would do if we shuttered the studios and stop painting altogether. I had a strong suspicion what the answer was, but I had no idea I would actually find out. We agreed that the garden and outdoor spaces would be the new vehicles for our creativity. This has been the case for me in particular and increasingly so as this year has progressed. The majority of my efforts have involved creating the framework for the garden. I moved the pond to the opposite side of the yard and into a clearing closer to the back porch. The new pond was built above ground with landscape timbers which eliminated new digging. Then I framed the pond with a Japanese style walking deck, upon which I build a large planter. The next phase was building a walking deck and planter across the yard. This walkway runs north and south and effectively creates four distinct spaces in the garden. This is the point I am currently at. The walkway is in place and a second planter runs along the fence and butts into the fence where it connects to the house. A second raised pond will occupy the space between the back of the house and the walkway. The northern side of the yard between the walkway and the back fence will be left lightly landscaped and is essentially a play area for the dogs.

 

That’s the plan as it stands. I don’t anticipate major changes. The second pond should be the last major piece of construction. That will leave planting and landscaping. But after almost two years of looking at weeds and ruble, it is comforting to see the plan taking form.